he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
