It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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