i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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