i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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