I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
