were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
