he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
