Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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