I am spending my child support on dildos
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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