Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
