Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
