I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
