I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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