Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
