I wish my penis had an off switch
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
