i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
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I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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