3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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