What a fucking waste of an outfit
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
