I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
