you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
