no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
