idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
