No awkward lesbian experiences without me
She said her name was "party"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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