He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.