I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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