apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.