first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
only if we run a train.
done.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
