Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
