I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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