WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
