Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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