I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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