She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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