i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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