I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
