so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
