i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
