Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
