just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
