Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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