onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Alive.
So much puke
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
