Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
