Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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