so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
