Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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