i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
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I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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