Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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