I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
