Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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