I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
