dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
