Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
