Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
