I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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