Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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