I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am spending my child support on dildos
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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