Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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