i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
