I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
