i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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