btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
