I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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